Inspiring Boudoir Takeaways at 40: "It's my favorite picture of myself ever"

I am floored. Absolutely and utterly floored by this gorgeous woman’s insights. She is my friend and I’m always grateful and extra happy when I’m able to shoot a boudoir session for someone I know. We had so much FUN together and she rocked the shoot. I mean ROCKED it. I can’t get over how much I love photographing boudoir.

I love asking questions, and I am so appreciative of her taking the time to answer these Qs so thoughtfully. I love how much there is to learn about people, how much I learned about her- how complex and interesting we all really are.

If you have a few minutes grab a tissue and read her answers to the questions below. Her responses made me feel a combo of pride, rage, sadness, and hope that only comes with a person who has a serious way with words. I’m so grateful for her company, wisdom, and insight!

What motivated you to sign-up for a boudoir shoot? 

I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while, but I definitely felt an urgency last year when I was heading toward 40. Specifically, I had been looking at pictures of myself in my 20s and felt really sad for the woman in those pictures.  I had been so beautiful but had such cripplingly low self-esteem that not one ounce of me could feel happy about my looks. I really didn’t want to have the same feeling 10 years from now.

So I thought - I feel so comfortable in my skin - I should capture this moment. The end of 2019 was a big one of transition and growth for me and I wanted to do something to mark it. 

I knew I would feel much more comfortable with a friend like Maureen and I wanted to surprise my boyfriend (who, along with me, likes how I look at 40 :))

How does your favorite photo from your session make you feel?

There is a photo that Maureen took where I’m staring at the camera and it’s from the nude section.  I don’t know what to say except that it’s my favorite picture of myself ever.  

I explained it this way to some friends:  you know that feeling you have when you’re out and your outfit is working and your makeup is great and your friends are with you and you just feel really confident and happy?  And you know how hard it is to capture that look in a picture? This picture captures it. It makes me feel strong, resilient and myself.  

I rarely see a photo and think it looks like me - but this one not only looks like me, it feels like me.

What would you say to a woman who doesn't think she is beautiful enough to be photographed?

I hope no one thinks that there are set guidelines on how to feel good about yourself. It helps a lot to be older and more comfortable with yourself - I work really hard to fight those negative thoughts now, even though they plagued me for years.

I would say that the pics are more about confidence and being sexy - and that has nothing to do with traditional standards of beauty.  Also - Maureen will make you feel really at ease and you’ll be able to see that in the pics.

 This is a present to yourself, a great way to see yourself through a less judgmental lens. A boudoir photo session isn’t about titillating random dudes (i.e. who decides beauty in our society) - it’s a celebration of you at this time in your life.  

What are your reflections on “beauty” in our culture? 

I hope this is somewhat better now for young girls, but I think as I was growing up I wasn’t aware of how much I was internalizing the feeling that my looks were of utmost priority.  My mom passed away when I was 14 and I always felt like I missed out on someone giving me the tips and tricks on how to “make myself beautiful”! I remember being so completely frustrated by my bad skin and giant curly hair and pale pale coloring when I was in high school.  There were years I didn’t show my legs in public because of this sense that I didn’t look “right.”  

Then I developed into a conventionally attractive person in my 20s and I was still viewing myself through a male lens.  I always ensured that I put forth an image that would be attractive and sexy to men. I thought the more men approved of my looks, the less likely I would be put in a place where I would be rejected.  Of course, the sad thing is, my marriage ended in just that sort of rejection. It felt like a confirmation of all my fears - but in the end, was so important to teach me how little looks matter. I now think it's really sad that my ex-husband couldn’t see all of my beauty in every sense of the word.  

In general - who doesn’t love beauty?  I absolutely love style and the perfect haircut and aesthetically pleasing men, women, nature, art scenes, houses, and cats perched ever so perfectly on window sills.  My son is 6 years old and I know nothing more beautiful than his laugh. The most beautiful people I’ve ever seen are those whose outsides match their insides - experience and growth and kindness are so enthralling when they’re looking back at you.  

But we define that.  I define that.  

That’s a long way of saying - “fuck em.”

What are your hopes for the next generation of women? What advice would you give to them?

I hope there will be a day when women don’t grow up with internal misogyny.  I hope a younger generation of women doesn’t need to be convinced that a woman could not only win the presidency, but also be really really good at it.  I hope that all forms of beauty are accepted and that most of all, they focus on being their best selves - not the best image of what a woman should be.

My biggest piece of advice is to slow down and relax.  I was in a really big hurry to grow up and get my life sorted out because I had felt so ungrounded in my teen years.  No one put pressure on me but myself - and I woke up at 38 exhausted, physically ill and burnt out. Also - life isn’t about being happy - negative experiences are natural and healthy - it’s about how you move within these moments that really matter.

Being young is about growing but you never feel that way in the moment.  My dad is 72 years old and he’s still growing and changing - that never ends.

It’s hard to convey to young women that what they believe to be 100% true right now will most likely change with the benefit of a few years and perspective.  But I do wish someone had been there to tell me all of this twenty years ago.

 What would you tell your 16-year-old self if you could meet her now? 

The above, and: “What you think is being ‘weird’ or ‘ugly’ or ‘awkward’ is actually you just being a lonely teenager without a mom who hasn’t yet met your people. The funny, weird person in high school tends to become the person always invited to parties in adulthood.  Also - life’s problems are not solved by romantic love so don’t spend the next two decades looking for that.” 

One last thing: “fuck em.”

What do you love most about being a woman?

I love that as women it is accepted and normal for us to be expressive with our friends and show love and emotion.  I feel very sorry for men that they implicitly cannot bond in this manner - because they’re missing out. There are all types of human connections out there and it’s important to savor them all.

I want to raise my son to move past those limitations and continue to be a sweet, sensitive boy for the rest of his life.